Rikku: Underwear Theif
by Human Lightshow
Summary: Cloud's underwear? Gone. Selphie's bra? Missing. This can only be the work of...Rikku, underwear theif!
1. Cloud's Underwear

Rikku: Underwear Thief  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Final Fantasy games. But they sure as hell are fun. A/N: The idea for this story came to me from Jenny's RPG on LJ. I got bored one day in Soc. Stud., so I went back and read of all of the person who was playing Cloud's LJ; and lo and behold; there was some nonsense about Rikku stealing his underwear. So please, R&R. It will be for the greater good. Also, Rikku speaks Al Bhed in some of the parts in the story, so if you want to know what she's saying, I suggest you find a place that translates Al Bhed to English for you.  
  
Chapter One: Cloud Can't Find His Underwear  
  
The night was penetrating. Every shadow moved and formed life of it's own.  
One of these shadows was indeed alive. Rikku! But wait! Why is she wearing a cat suit? Is Rikku indeed a cat? Or perhaps she is something more sinister...something that all people who sleep at night fear...perhaps she is...  
An underwear thief!  
Sound asleep in his bed is Cloud, unsuspecting to what is about to happen. There is a giggle that penetrates the shadows, for Clouds pajamas are indeed funny. Rikku creeps up to his drawers.  
Soundlessly, she opens them all up, looking for her treasure. Finally, she finds it; Cloud's sock and underwear drawer. "Ac ra lnywo? Fru bidc draen culgc yht ihtanfayn eh dra cysa tnyfan?" Rikku mumbles to herself in Al Bhed.  
Cloud stirs in his sleep, and Rikku freezes. But Cloud does not wake up. Rikku gives out a sigh of relief, and then continues at the task at hand; emptying Cloud's sock and underwear drawer into the burlap bag that she carried with her for stealing convenience.  
Leaving nothing but the socks behind, Rikku creeps out of Cloud's room and into the night, were she dissolves like a sugar cube in tea.   
The next morning Cloud burst into the kitchen were Tifa and Yuffie were eating their breakfast, along with the unlikely guest of Vincent.  
"Give me back my underwear," he said to Yuffie.  
"What?" she asked. "Why would I want your underwear?" Vincent looks at Cloud, a look on his face that says 'I would laugh, but I don't really feel like it.' Cloud glares.  
"What does your underwear look like, anyway?" Tifa asked absent- mindedly.  
"That's none of your business!" Cloud yelled, face turning red.  
"No, please tell us," said Vincent, face turning red from trying to hold in his laughter.  
Cloud stormed out of the room, promising himself vengeance on whoever would do such a horrible thing such as steal his underwear.   
"So you stole his underwear?" Selphie asked, laughing.  
"Indeed I did," Rikku, bring out the bag full of Cloud's 'personal items' as we will call them.  
"What color are they?" Quistis asked, looking on with curiosity.  
"White," said Rikku, pulling out a pair. "Surprising, because they don't go with his outfit."  
"That's for sure," said Selphie, holding another pair up. After a while, she decides to have a fan-girl moment, and puts them on her head.  
"They're all tightey-whites," Quistis said as Rikku dumped the bag on her floor.  
"Not all of them," said Rikku, digging through them. She held up a black silk pair.  
"That goes with his outfit a little better, I suppose," said Selphie, taking the underwear of her head and tossing them into the pile.  
"Does he know you stole them?" asked Quistis, looking at Rikku. She shrugged.  
"Probably thinks Yuffie did it," Rikku said with a shrug, trying to fashion the back underwear like a headband, and not succeeding.  
"Do you plan on telling him?" asked Selphie, helping Rikku get the underwear right.  
"Not really..." Rikku trailed off. There was a knock at the door.  
"I'll get it," said Quistis as Selphie accomplished the underwear to look like Rikku's blue headband. As Quistis went off to the door, Selphie and Rikku tried to fashion the other underwear into headgear.  
"We should sell some of these on E-Bay," Selphie said. Rikku nodded in agreement, making one of the pairs of underwear into a hat for an old man.   
Quistis opened the door to find Cloud, Vincent, and Iverne standing there. Cloud had a look that was a cross of embarrassment and urgency. Vincent looked blank, as usual, but the trace of a smile was getting more and more apparent. Vincent just looked amused.  
"Cloud can't find his underwear," Vincent said, making Iverne giggle. Cloud glared at him, and he shrugged.  
"Who iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis it?" Rikku asked, who was twirling with the underwear on her head in the bedroom.  
"Cloud, Vincent, and Iverne," Quistis said.  
"Let them in!" said Selphie, who was trying to suppress a giggle. Quistis shrugged and let them in.  
"How long has his underwear been missing?" asked Quistis.  
"Since this morning," said Cloud sadly, making Quistis try and suppress a laugh. She and Vincent exchanged looks, and Quistis shrugged.  
"These all the people you could get on the 'Find The Underwear Party'?" Quistis asked, trying to make conversation.  
"You're the second people we visited," Iverne said. "We tried Squall and Zell first, but when we told them what happened, Zell burst into uncontrollable laughter. When we left Squall was trying to sedate him."  
"Well," Quistis said as Cloud and Iverne sat down (Vincent remained standing), "it is a very funny matter..." Cloud glared.  
"What's up?" Rikku asked, as she and Selphie came in. Selphie sat down next to Iverne, and Rikku remained standing, hands on her hips, black underwear that looked like her headband still in place.  
"Cloud's lost his underwear," Quistis said, raising an eyebrow.  
"I see..." said Rikku, rubbing her chin and trying to act serious. "Well, this is a serious matter..."  
"Is that my underwear?" Cloud asked. Rikku smiled nervously.  
"Maybe..." she said, giggling.  
"DID YOU THREE STEAL MY UNDERWEAR???" Cloud yelled, standing up.  
"I didn't steal it with her!" Selphie said in her defense. "I just cheered her on!"  
"I wasn't even there when the plan was devised," Quistis said.  
"Is that even the right word to use? Devised?" Vincent asked. Quistis shrugged. Cloud looked at Rikku in fury for an answer.  
"Cu E cduma ouin ihtanfayn?" Rikku asked with a shrug.  
"What did you say?" asked Cloud. He turned to Quistis and Selphie. "What did she say?"  
"She said that she stole your underwear," Selphie said.  
"Lies!" said Cloud, thrusting his fist into the air.  
"E's hud meaehk. E's zicd cbaygehk eh y myhkiyka dryd oui tuh'd ihtancdyht," Rikku said, trying to hide her laughter at the fact that Cloud couldn't speak Al Bhed.  
"I think maybe we should sedate Cloud now," Iverne whispered to Selphie. She nodded and grabbed a tranquilizer gun.  
As Cloud ranted on, Selphie gave the gun to Vincent who aimed it at Cloud's butt. Right before Cloud was about to rip the underwear off Rikku's head, Vincent fired.  
Iverne and Vincent, with the help of Squall and Zell (who had finally stopped laughing), dragged Cloud back to his house.   
In the end, Rikku sold all of the underwear (save for the black ones and two other pairs for Selphie and Quistis) on E-Bay. Cloud was able to buy most of it back, but a lot of it was purchased by other random Final Fantasy characters that now wear the underwear on their heads, as it is a new fad. Even Mukki participated in the fad, which was more then slightly disturbing for poor Cloud.  
Suck it up.  
  
A/N: Next chapter, Rikky steals Selphie's bra! Please reveiw and tell me what to do next. I promise, it'll be lots of fun... 


	2. Selphie's Bra

**Disclaimer: All I do is RP as Quistis. That's all.**

**A/N: This chapter is to short and too crappy. Someone tell me somthing better. I think I make one persons advice (you know who you are! ::wink) and make costume undergarment thingers. Ah. You know. oO**

**Chapter Two: Going to Japan for Stealing a Bra**

It had been nearly a year since poor Cloud's underwear had been stolen, and the fad of wearing it on your head was slowing starting to die down. In fact, Mukki and Rikku were the only ones that ever even wore them anymore.

"I'm bored," Rikku said to Quistis. Rikku was doing...things. Indeed she was! Actually, she was doing nothing. That's why she was bored.

"So do something," Quistis said, being very unhelpful. Shame, shame for not helping a friend in need, for a friend in need is a friend indeed.

What the hell am I saying? I don't even get that phrase thing. Stupid phrases. I hate phrases!

Anyway, when people are bored, they usually do stupid things, like blow things up.

Which was what Rikku was doing with some home made bombs.

"I don't think you should really be messing with those things..." Quistis said, eyeing her.

"What things?" Rikku asked, dropping one of the bombs. They had been making their was across Vincent's lawn to the park, because they liked cutting across lawns. And his grass was pretty much dead anyway, so it's not like it mattered if they tramped across it like some sort of barbarian or something.

"Duck!" yelled Quistis, pulling Rikku to the floor.

The bomb, suffice to say, completely busted Vincent's window.

"..."

"..."

"Those things," Quistis said, standing up and taking Rikku's bombs from her.

"Hey! Give those back!" Rikku said. "I made those myself!"

"Why?" asked Quistis. "Because the even the people who sell fireworks know better then to give you anything explosive?"

"...No..." Rikku said, lying. Some cussing was heard near the broken window inside of the house.

"Looks like Vincent's awake," Rikku said.

There was a long silence.

"Do you think he would kill us?" Rikku asked.

"No," said Quistis. "We're too cute."

"RIKKU! I KNOW YOU DID THIS AND I AM GOING TO KILL YOU AND WHOEVER MIGHT OF POSSIBALY HELPED OR JUST WAS THERE!"

...

The two began running for the hills.

"...You blew up...Vincent's window?" Selphie asked when they had gotten home.

"Well, it wasn't really MY fault," said Rikku. "It was mostly Quistis."

"Me???" asked Quistis. "How is it MY fault?"

"Well," Rikku said, "I would like to know how it was MINE."

"One," Quistis said, "they were your bombs. Two, you were the one who was carrying them. And three, you were the one who dropped the bomb in the first place."

"Okay, so it was all my fault," Rikku said, "but Vincent said he would kill anyone who was just there with me, so don't even TRY and get out of death."

Right then there was a pounding on the door.

"Tell Vincent we're not home," Rikku whimpered.

Eventually, Vincent forgave Rikku for blowing up his window and Quistis for being there when the incident happened.

Actually, he didn't, but Quistis was able to deal with that. They all just lied to Rikku and told her that he did because they didn't want her to be broken hearted or something like that.

Plus they found great enjoyment in lying to her. Yay for lying to Rikku!

But that really has nothing to do with this chapter, and honestly, I don't know why I put it in there. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

Or maybe to cheer herself up, Rikku stole Selphie's bra.

"Where's my bra?"

Quistis looked up from her cup of coffee.

"I don't know," she said, "I'm not the keeper of bras. Or your bra. Or any bra. Ask Cloud. I do believe that Keeper of The Bras is his job."

Meanwhile Rikku was dancing around in the town square with the bra over her shirt.

"I heard you danced around in my bra in the town square today," Selphie said, hands on her hips.

"Maybe," said Rikku, Selphie's bra sticking out of her pocket. Selphie pulled it out and waved it at her.

"Don't steal my bras!" Selphie said.

To make a long story short, Rikku ran away to Japan for a month to get away from Selphie.

**A/N: I splet someone's name wrong the whole time in the last chapter, but I'm in a rush writeing these A/N's, so I hope you can all just figure out who it was. oo**


End file.
